


12 Days of Torchwood Christmas

by AwatereJones



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-18 07:04:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16990305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: 12 days of christmas with a Torchwood twist ... Ianto is REALLY over this! Alt Verse





	1. A Weevil in a Christmas Tree

 

Ianto stood there with a gentle cant of his head like he was examining a fine artwork.

"well" Owen said softly "That is his best work yet."

"And its not even Christmas yet" Ianto sighed.

"Close enough, maybe we can say we got guy fawkes and Chritmas mixed up? A Guy up the tree?" Owen suggested and they shared a look before looking back up once more at the weevil hanging fomr the top of the tree like a really … really …. Ugly fairy.

.

.

.

.

_fifteen minutes earlier_

"Ianto?"

"Sir?" Ianto swung his legs over the bed as this was usually a call-in at this time of the night…ah….morning.

"You busy?"

"No sir, it's ahhhhhhh three twenty AM. I was just…you know … chillin!"

Silence.

"How can I help sir?"

"Um … you know that place that sells Christmas Trees, the one with the fat santa out front that keeps dropping his pants" Jack said and Ianto resisted the eye-roll, not much point when it's wasted that.

"Yes sir."

"Meet me there and …look for Owen … he's down there somewhere too"

Ianto frowned "Down?"

"Yeah. I'm up!"

"So am I now" Ianto muttered as he closed the phone and stood, scratching at the spot at the top of his pubic hair, looking around the flat with annoyance. Winter was here and the cold was not yet the bitter bite it would soon become but cold enough that he once again wished for a nice carpet instead of the wooden floors. He padded to the dresser and began dressing warm, forgoing the suit and tie for some black jeans and t-shirt, black hoodie and warm black gloves. He made a mental note ot buy a balaclarva too … this cold was not his friend.

He drove to the Chritams Tree lot and soon found Owen.

Where we found them at the beginning of this.

.

.

.

.

"So. Which one do you want?" Owen asked "The Weevil in a Christmas Ttee … or the Twat stuck on the roof still?"

"He could just jump" Ianto huffed.

"I suggested that, he went all 'what!' like I needed to get up there and piggyback him down!" Owen replied with a look of annoyance, "We could shoot him down."

"Jack?"

"the Weevil."

"OK, I've wanted to ask this for a while … how can you tell the sex of a Weevil?" Ianto askedd and Owen turned to explain calmly that they wore different sided zippers on their jump suits and as they talked Jack looked over the edge of the building.

"HEY!"

"Grass is better" Ianto said automatically and Owen roared with mirth then shook a finger at him.

"Bet you are crazy mad on that stuff!"

"Actually I get a wicked need to bake" Ianto answered sagely, "My gingernut biscuits were to die for when I was off my face back at Uni"

Owen stoped posturing and frowned "You know … that sounds right."

"OI!"

"Christ, let's shoot him down too" Owen sighed.

THUD

"No need. Seem's it is quite slippery, must be how the weevil fell" Ianto said as Jack lay at their feet, then a groan of warning had them moving back as the weevil was dislodged and came tumbling down too, several limbs following and landing with a whomp.

"Well. I don't want sap all over me!" Ianto was annoyed as he looked at the dead Captain and Weevil.

"Torch it?"

"Torch it" Ianto agreed, walking around to topple a few more trees. "Shame, that tree is huge, I never saw one the size of a building before … well … there was that one in Harrods but it was fake."

"Most things in there are" Owen said as he gleefully dragged Jack back by his feet, "I'll get the gas!"

"Cool" Ianto continued to topple trees and then when he was sure the weevil was covered he stepped back and sat watching Owen do a 'Lord of the Flies' impression … ah .. no …Tom Hanks in Castaway I think.

Jack gasped to life.

"Fuck! Slipped."

"Yes, I believe so"

"Ianto?"

"Yes sir?"

"Can I come home with you? I am so sticky, I need a hot bath and your boiler is better than mine" Jack pouted.

"OK" Ianto rose and helped Jack up and grimaced as his glove came away from Jack's hand covered in tree sap.

"Opps?"

Ianto glared then turned to watch as Owen threw the match.

WHOOOOSHHHHH

"Shit"

"Owen?" Ianto called as Jack gaped "You OK there little man?"

"Yeah! Shit, forgot about the can, must have left it too close!" Owen said then placed his hands on his hips and roared with mirth at the carnage.

"OK. Let's get out of Dodge before the fire crews ome. It will all be gone" Ianto shook his head "Smells nice tho."

"Yeah" Owen swaggered to the SUV, "You taking him?"

"Yes, I just need the drop cloth from the back of the SUV or he will be strapped to my roof like one of these Christmas Trees. Not getting sap on the leather." Ianto said conversationally and Jack leered.

"You can tie me up anytime Tiger!"

"Careful Sir … depends on what part I tie doesn't it?"

Owen's smile droped as he watched Ianto stalk off with Jack, then he turned to watch the place burn some more.

Was a nice smell.


	2. Two Ducks a quaking

 

Ianto was in the tourist office, leaning on the counter as he looked at a brochure for the Northern Lights. Looked nice, he pondered the expense though. It didn't include…. He looked up as Owen fell into the office, his face flushed and a look of total doom.

Ianto carefully placed his scone he was about to bite into back on the plate with the others he had there in case Jack came snooping about but of course Gwen was in his office doing her, look at my tits' routine ….well, I digress … Ianto was leaning back to watch Owen bluster about the room with what appeared to be … fear? A Weevil chased him here? A Rottweiler perhaps? A part-time lover's husband?

"Owen?"

"It wasn't me!"

"What wasn't you?" Ianto sighed, knowing that when he started a conversation with those words it was never good. Last time he went out to find a four car pile-up and an old man with a rather terse tongue for a senior citizen. Owen was now forbidden from driving his motorbike across the Plaza to the stone, he had to take it down below to the parking level behind the main water feature. Ianto wondered what he had done now.

"I was walking to work and there were these ducklings, one of them couldn't get up the edge of the curb so I lifted it and …." Owen flapped his hand. Ianto blinked slowly as he tried to understand the logistics of Owen helping a duckling.

"And the Mama Duck and Daddy Duck are now slutted at you and chased you all the way here with their four babies in tow!"

"Six"

"Six babies?" Ianto was impressed, walking over to peer out and coo. "Awwwwww!"

"Yeah, but the two big ones are savage!" Owen huffed, then watched Ianto step out to make weird clicking noises in his throat. Then to Owen's amazement he walked down the pier with the ducks all following and he crouched on the concrete with two scones from the plate he had been eating from, crumbling them over the sidewalk and the ducks greedily indulged.

"Careful!" Owen called out, "They are like fucking land piranha… they will get you!"

Ianto watched them waddling about with glee, then rose and brushed off his hands like a magician to show there was no more and he walked confidently back towards the door, Owen clinging to it like he may have to slam it closed to stop the attacking hordes.

Ianto walked around Owen and settled back behind the counter looking thoughtful "Might pay not to come that way for a few days. They have an excellent memory and might attack you again."

"I … scone?"

"Yes, they like scones" Ianto rolled his eyes like Owen had asked if they could swim or something.

"They like you!"

"I don't steal babies!"

"Neither do I!" Owen wailed, "Stop blaming me!"

Ianto watched Owen stomp off downstairs with quiet amusement, then watched the monitor, turning the CCTV camera slightly to watch the little ones sail though the air into the water as their Mama called them in and the smallest one who was left hesitating was simply kicked in by its Daddy.

"I shall call you ... Owen" Ianto said with glee, watching them depart.

He made a mental note to get scones again tomorrow morning.

After all.

They do remember.


	3. Three Frenchmen yelling

 

Market days are brilliant for collecting tat. A lot of space debris and Rift junk turns up at swap meets and car boot sales ya know. Today Ianto had what looked like a four slice toaster already in his bag and the figurine of a little blue lady was about to join it, he hoped Jack could return her to the Gidderifilions who had been looking for it.

Then he heard the commotion and he sighed.

Leave him alone for five bloody minutes.

Ianto walked around a couple of stalls to find Jack in deep conversation with a man who was not going to give up easily, Jack's French almost as bad as his Welsh … as in … crap. Ianto sighed and joined in, his fluent and flawless delivery stopping everyone dead, then the man lit up. The other two moved silently to flank and Jack's face changed to extreme interest as he watched them all converse with Ianto. They spoke too quickly to be understood and when Ianto blushed Jack suddenly recognised enough words to know when he was being propositioned.

"MINE!"

Ianto blinked as Jack seized his arm and yanked him into his side, holding him possessively as he glared at the men.

"Jack!" Ianto spluttered, "Calm down! It's you they are interested in. They want the coat!"

"Coat? What? MY Coat?" Jack gasped with new horror, his hands flying to his lapels like they were going to snatch it off him, then he looked at Ianto, "Here, you wear it!"

"What?" Ianto was confused as he found himself manhandled into the coat and Jack stood between him and the three men.

"Look, I know you understand me and I am telling you now … you get them over my dead body! Go on, kill me! I will rise up and tear you to bits before you get the most precious thing in the world to me." Jack hissed "Or the coat!"

Ianto thought he would melt into the grass field they were in, the stalls around them all silent as they watched and Ianto knew he was probably beetroot red now as Jack went into hero pose.

"Ianto is mine!"

"Jack!" Ianto said softly "I think they get the idea."

The Frenchmen bowed deeply and then wandered off in animated conversation, Jack swinging to smile at Ianto, "see? You are so desirable I have to beat them off with a stick."

"Actually, they wanted me to translate for them, they were looking for a restaurant" Ianto giggled.

"Don't care" Jack said grandly, "I don't want to lend you out to lick stamps for the Queen herself … well … she might like you doing that. She is a bit naughty ya know."

"Look, I need you to stop referencing her like that, she is my sovereign!" Ianto scolded, letting Jack slide his hands into the coat, pulling them together so the coat seemed to close around them.

"Wanna go see her again?" Jack leered.

"Not with the hard-on you are giving me right now" Ianto hissed, "and the fact I am referencing that in the same conversation as Her Majesty is horrifying enough!"

"I really love you Ianto Jones" Jack sighed softly, reaching up to stroke Ianto's cheek, "come on. How about Chinese instead of their bloody French they wanted. I know you like those little balls."

"Actually, I quite like big ones too" Ianto whispered, his breath on Jack's ear stalling him out, then Ianto stepped back, calmly walking away as Jack watched his own Coat dance about Ianto's heels with the same level of affection as its owner.

"The definition of a turncoat" Jack whispered then laughed as he started to run. "Wait up Tiger!"

Ianto slowed so Jack would catch up and he let Jack's arm hook into his as they wandered to the SUV.

"Chinese" Ianto said happily, "Yum. I do wonder though."

"Yeah?"

"fish and chips? We can eat them in bed then" Ianto offered, "I have to change the sheets tomorrow anyway so that horrible habit you have of wiping your mouth on the sheet will not kill me."

"OOOOOOOOOO" Jack shivered as he turned the key and Ianto settled back to pat the coat lovingly.

It didn't like Chinese ya see.

Smells linger.


	4. Four Calls were heard

 

Ianto muttered to himself as he crouched in the cramped space under the table, the wires hanging down definitely chewed through and he threw a glance at the large dog who was blinking slowly back at him with honest surprise as well.

Clearly the stray that Owen had brought into the Hub had no idea running through wires could produce this level of madness and he was as miffed as the thin pleasant chocolate tasting man.

"Right then" Ianto sighed, plugging in a wire and canting his head as it lit up, then a speaker crackled.

The voice was Toshiko's and Ianto blinked slowly with shock as he listened to her conversation.

"I don't really know Mel, last time I went on a bender with you we wound up in that shitty little café with that man who kept looking up me skirt. I had to slap him down with a bread stick!"

Ianto pulled the cord out quickly and sat gaping at the mental image of Tosh sitting on a high backed chair in a garter and high heels slapping a men writhing at her feet and he sniggered softly.

"OK, let's try this one!"

"Look I don't give a rat's arse what you want, I am telling you that if the arse end blows blue smoke when I pick her up the I will be forced to stomp your fecking head in and demand you do a better fecking job! Get it right! I want maximum effort here man!"

Ianto pulled the plug and the sniggering was now spurts of giggles as he knew Owen was talking to the mechanic who was changing out the automatic starter on his motorbike but after the last overheard call … well.

He took a deep breath and plugged in.

"But he is a divvy, I mean …. Really. So dower and moody. I think he needs a good seeing to, maybe if we get him a nice girl to give him a good clean out of his pipes if ya know what I mean! Poor lad just needs a good shag!" Gwen laughed and Ianto felt his hackles rising as he reached for the plug "Poor Andy Pandy, he is so lonely…."

Ianto had pulled the plug but caught the tail end of the conversation Gwen was having with her friend and felt instantly better. Andy. Not him. She was trying to fix Andy up with some shaggable cow. Right. He smiled softly, suddenly feeling a soft spot for her when seconds ago he might have scratched a bitch's eyes out.

"OK, fourth time lucky?" he plugged in again and this time he got singing. Soft, gentle singing and he froze as Jack's voice filled the room then he leaned back to enjoy it.

Then the song finished and Jack crooned "How was that love?"

"Wonderful, we feel much better thank you Uncle Jack. Our tum is not so grumpy!"

Ianto struggled to pull the plug as Prince William's voice seemed to echo as did the little chirp of a baby. Shit. Whoops. Jack was so SOOOOOO protective of the youngest little royal. Awwwww. He sings to him?

Bless.

He rose and walked up to Jack's office to find Jack deep in thought. "Cariad?"

"Hey, Wills says hi. Little Godfrey says gargle"

"Sir, it's Louis!" Ianto scolded, delight as Jack played with him and Jack rose, pulling him in for a soft kiss.

"Louis'en what? This tie?"

"stop it" Ianto snorted, "Every time you do that to his name then make out I was saying something else, you know my desire to correct you is overwhelming!"

"I know" Jack sighed with a dopey grin "Lunch there Friday? Katie wants that cake recipe from you."

"Yes, I will write it down, also have a new cinnamon apple pie one for her, I shall make some small samplers" Ianto agreed then stole a kiss before turning to leave and Jack caught his hand.

"The dog?"

"We might take him home for a bath and such, give it a day or two" Ianto hesitated, watching Jack's face light up, "He will need a name though."

"I can name him?" Jack asked with glee, taking off yelling "OWEN, he sez we can keep him!"

"YAYYYYYYYYYY"

Bloody kids!" Ianto snorted, his eyes betraying his amusement "Two large, grubby kids. That's all they are!"


	5. Five Gold Rings

 

"Jack, stop it!" Ianto snapped, moving to the other side of the kitchen, around the man still kneeling on the tiles with a hopeful look. He hooked some tissues from the box on the table and blew his runny nose, totally fed up with the head cold, the stupid team and most of all … the man making advances he knew he would regret later.

He walked into the main hub and groaned as he found Owen moving towards him with that look on his face and he placed a hand up to create space "Owen! No!"

Owen's face fell and he changed course, moving to Toshiko instead like he wanted to talk but then they had a weird dace-like tousle before she kneed him in the groin and approached Ianto.

"I know … Jack's doing it now as well" Ianto sighed, "has to have something to do with that orb that they got out in the …. Oh for fucksake!"

Tosh was slowly sinking to her knees, her face one of total adoration and Ianto sneezed, turning away as his head cold made his head pound. Gwen rose from her desk "Toshiko? What the hell are you doing?"

"I know, I think she…" Ianto started to speak then let it fade out as Gwen's face became territorial, walking over to face-off with Tosh who was rising to her fullest height, almost face to face with Gwen as they argued about who was best suited to Ianto.

"Christ almighty" he muttered as he escaped from the main Hub, "This is worse than the bloody sex spray thing. At least it was only Jack wanting to rub against me like a horny dog."

He had the orb in his hands and sneezed again, cursing as he rubbed it on his sleeve and then dropped it into a bucket of water. He then put the entire bucket in the deep freeze and closed the door, the large walk in freezer giving a whoosh as it slapped shut.

He moved to the monitors where they all seemed to be looking for him.

"Why me!" he muttered, then sneezed again. That walk-in freezer had not been a good idea. Another sneeze and he sighed, walking over to the large chest freezer, reaching into it to pull out a frozen chicken which he placed on the trolley that was waiting, a watermelon and small pumpkin already on it.

He started to push the trolley along, humming softly as he rounded the corner and hefted the watermelon into a cell, the large rhino-man grunting as he caught it and sat to devour it. Then he came to Janet "Hello love."

He slipped the frozen chicken and the pumpkin in, she chose the pumpkin first and was about to bite into it when she froze, then looked at him with wide eyes.

"Don't' tell me its turning. Damn, I knocked it too" Ianto assured her, "Sounded solid."

Janet continued to stare at him, then she stepped closer and sniffed.

"Really? You too? Wait… I don't have the orb ….huh" Ianto slipped off his jacket and stared at the splotch of mud on the back. Jack had slapped him on the back when he and Owen got back.

The mud must have something in it like a pollen or something the orb was making …."God damn it! I like this one!"

With annoyance he checked his pockets and then went down to the furnace, flicking the jacket in with woe.

"Whatcha doing Tiger?" Jack asked softly, his hands full of reports Ianto was sure was supposed to be getting read, not…. In they went.

"Well, you proposed marriage then a shag, Toshiko proposed marriage then a shag , Owen just proposed a shag then marriage and Gwen proposed an orgy then marriage… the best part was Janet telling me what the problem was." Ianto huffed, "I could have had four rings in one day, how about that!"

"Four?" Jack leered, "Oh Tiger, you forgot one!"

Jack motioned down at his crotch and Ianto went to groan then realised the orb and mud were gone, this was not a proposal, just a proposition.

"Ahhhhhh, does it need … shining?"

"Yeah, I could polish your nob too" Jack said with a cheeky grin and Ianto laughed as he finally accepted an offer.

The winner takes it all.


	6. Six fools a-playing

 

Ianto was short of breath but determined to win this, taking careful aim and letting it out softly as he fired.

Owen roared as the snowball exploded on the back of his head and he swung to glare at Ianto "You are lucky I had my helmet on, you might have killed me!"

Rhys yodelled as he let fly, this time hitting Owen's arse "And is that helmeted too?"

"Mother fucker!" Owen screamed.

"OI! It's Cooper Fucker to you!" Rhys replied and Gwen popped up out of a snow drift.

"RHYS!"

"There she is!" Tosh screamed with glee, letting loose a volley with some strange contraption she had created with a gas cylinder and some drain pipe as Jack gleefully dropping snowball after snowball through a hole in the top.

"Awwwwww, not fair! I didn't know we could use weapons!" Owen wailed, "JACK! I wanna weapon!"

"Here's one" Ianto called, Owen turning as another snow ball slammed into him. Ianto waited a beat then said calmly "Catch."

"YOU BASTARD MOTHER FUCKER!"

"Captain Fucker thank you very much!" Ianto said jauntily, another snowball fired as Owen ducked and Rhys grunted as it hit him square in the face.

"Time out, I want a waste paper basket like his!" Rhys pointed at Owen who stuck his tongue out then looked horrified, Ianto starting to laugh as he guessed why.

"Tell me Owen, how does that metal latticework taste?" Ianto asked with glee, "Or … cat got your tongue?"

"What's happening?" Gwen struggled to her feet, brushing off the snow.

"He has his tongue stuck to the metal lattice of the rubbish bin" Ianto giggled.

"It's OK, I can fix it!" Jack said as he strode towards him "Owen get on your knees. I will have to pee on your head!"

Owen was actually almost on his knees before he processed the comment, raising again "Waith a godddmmm minuth!"

Ianto rolled his eyes, "Come on Owen. I have some bottled water in the SUV"

"THANGOOOO!"

"thangoo!" Rhys sniggered, "OK, I admit it. This is fun!"

"Do you think he likes it?" Jack asked watching Ianto fuss over Owen like a mama bird finding her baby bird fallen from the nest.

"He is having fun, you know Ianto is happy fussing and pretending to be put out" Toshiko assured him.

"I hope so … the last week or so has been a bit crazy and he's not had much sleep with all the clean-up. Christmas is always a shit time for him, his mama died at Christmas ya know" Jack sighed and Gwen looked at Jack with horror.

"He never told us that!"

"He never tells anyone anything about his … all sorted Tiger?" Jack smiled as Ianto approached, his face one of consternation.

"We were until Rhys dared him to lick the SUV" Ianto replied calmly, "you know … he's a bit of a fool."

"Which one?" Jack asked, then squeaked as his feet were swept out from under him, Gwen screaming as Tosh yodelled with glee and Jack rode Gwen like a slide down into the side of the SUV.

"Dear Gods!" Ianto sighed "Maybe we all are. Six Fools out here. Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun but obviously Welsh bastards play in blizzards!"

"And me!" Jack said from the snow bank he and Gwen had turned to slide into now, "What about me?"

"Well, there may be a bit of Welsh in you sir …" Ianto said as he helped him up, brushing the coat down. Then he said what he knew would get them back to the warmth of the Hub "…Maybe later in the shower like?"

Six fools in an SUV traversed the snowy ground

Screaming and yelling as they scraped and slid

Back home safe and sound!

* * *

 


	7. Seven sharks are swimming

 

Ianto was not sure exactly how they got here; it was all a bit …fuzzy. All he knew for sure was that the floatation device he was clinging to was really no help if they decided to attack. And if he knew one thing about sharks… they attack.

"IANTO!"

Ianto let himself slowly turn, careful to move as little as possible in the freezing water and he glared at Jack who was waving from another piece of debris "ARE YOU OK!"

Ianto let his glare be the answer as Jack scanned the water nervously, "I count six!"

"Seven!" Owen called back with an unnatural glee, "There's one behind you ya twat!"

Jack turned and swore softly as he saw the large dorsal fin cutting the water, Ianto now pissed, cold and fed up as he shouted "Where the fuck are the girls!"

"I called" Jack whined, "They are coming but the River Queen II is slower than the Sea Princess IV is … was. They will be here soon Tiger."

"Tiger" Ianto repeated "Look … get us out of this mess intact with as minimal damage as possible and maybe….maybe you get to call me that. For now … I think Mister Jones is better. Yeah?"

"Awwww, come on. You're not shitty … are you?" Jack asked as he let himself drift closer "It was an accident. Pure and simple. Could 'a happened to anyone!"

"Pure and simple" Ianto repeated, "OK. Let's review. You wanted to come out here today to check the beacon. Right?"

Jack nodded.

"Owen and I both asked if it could wait until the New Year but you said it would only take a sec. Right?"

Jack nodded.

"I asked if the boat had been restocked after Flam Holm's Christmas run the other day and you waved a hand at me and said it had, right?"

Jack's nod was a bit slower this time.

"Owen and I both asked if that was normal … the way the beacon was tilted in the water and you said you would just push it straight again, right?"

Jack smiled weakly and nodded.

"Good. Good. So … you rammed it with the boat and promptly scuttled the bloody thing with no reserve boat or rescue boat on board, because that was still back at the docks in the bowels of the fucking facility where you had put it WHEN YOU TOOK IT OFF TO FIT A NEW RDE-ON MOWER FOR HAMISH ON THE DECK AND THEN NEVER FUCKING REPLACED IT!"

Jack grimaced as Ianto's' shrill scream seemed to echo, then nodded meekly.

"Right" Ianto said in that droll, calm tone again, "So we are agreed that this is ….what. Do we call this a 'Oops' or a 'Bugger' or do we push the boat out … get it? Push the boat out and say it's a Harkness-Fuck-up!"

Jack looked over at Owen who was watching intently, not used to seeing Ianto in his natural state, no masks or polite banter to hide behind. Right here, in the cold and wet he was seeing the real Welshman and Jack wondered what he was thinking as Ianto tantrummed, hard to do without moving or thrashing about like he clearly wanted to , resorting to bellows or rage instead.

"I could have been at home with the fucking Christmas cake in the oven. A book to read and that comfy chair I love so much, me arse plastered in it with a nice cuppa. But no, nooooooooooooooooo, we are out here in fuckeradoody arsehollery Harknessville!"

Owen gaped as Jack apologised.

"I am so sorry Tiger, I didn't think. I've bunted it before and … at the angle I hit it I clearly fucked up. I am sorry, please stop shouting. Please. You hate stripping your voice." Jack begged, "And I do love that voice"

"My voice… this anger is the only thing staving them off and we both know it" Ianto finally spat "The vile negative vomit pouring from my very pores is scaring them away like shark repellent. They would not dare….DARE…fuck me off as you continually seem to do. Even a wild fishy thing knows when not to poke the dragon!"

Jack saw it.

It was a moment but he saw a flash of something before Ianto ranted some more and he finally saw that Ianto was playing a long game. "You …. You cheeky monkey!"

"What am I then? Do make your mind us sir. Am I a Tiger? A Dragon? A Monkey? Do choose one!" Ianto snarled, Jack now close enough to see the humour in the man's eyes as they danced.

Ianto was playing with him.

In the middle of a crisis, sharks circling and the girls fuck knows where … hopefully not with Gwen at the helm or they might get run over … Ianto was teasing?

"How about I take you out for a nice meal after, eh? Make it up to you" Jack asked.

Ianto snorted, then let himself drift so his back was to Jack, "Fucker!"

Jack watched as Ianto pretended to rant some more then he said softly, "Come on love. That nice restaurant by the docks you love so much. They do a lovely battered shark fillet."

As he thought.

Ianto's shoulders were shaking, obviously laughing silently as he saw that Jack was on to him but Owen was further away.

"Christ! Is he crying now? Tell me he's not crying" Owen whimpered, "It's all I can do to be strong, don't fucking start crying. You will start me off and Toshiko will not let me live it down if … what's that? You hear something?"

They watched with relief as the boat came careening towards them, then Jack cursed "Gwen."

"Ahhhhhhh…. Great" Ianto drolled, "At least we will be saved from shark attack. Propeller death is apparently quicker!"

Jack laughed as the girls waved merrily and Owen screamed at them to get him the fuck out of the water.

Ianto was going to make Jack pay for this.

Maybe the new high-end place in the square.

Three courses?


	8. Eight shops are billing

 

Ianto sat back in his chair and frowned as he tried to unstick the receipt from the back of the piece of paper he wanted to look at. They did not appear to go together, the captain doing his usual emptying of pockets into a shoebox and walking away.

Well … today is was a containment box full of papers but close.

He had already listed the first two things without problems but now he was getting to the 'pocket pets' as he called them.

"What the hell is this?" Ianto held up the invoice, then sighed, picking up the phone. He soon learnt that this was a bill for a plate glass window Jack had thrown a weevil through and had been unable to get out of. Typical. Ianto investigated. Andy laughed as he told Ianto he had found the weevil laying in a lump of fur coats and Jack trying to put an arm back on a mannequin while apologising to it. Funny how some people speak to objects.

"General Expenses" Ianto muttered, adding 'WH' for Weevil Hunt.

"Fish and chip shop." Ianto muttered as he read the next one "General Expenses … ah …. Food."

He squinted at the next little one then growled deep in his throat "Shrimp. Damn it. General Expenses 'Pet' or do I put 'visitor' instead."

He made a mental note to check the bloody Gerparlians later to see if they needed more. He had no idea how often they feasted but it seemed to him that half a pound would not be enough with their little offspring growing so quickly, speaking of which "Gordane Stewart Catering. Right. Fucking Unit, ah …. Oh We can put that under ….ah …. Interoffice Liaison."

Ianto yawned, plucking out another one "Right. Ah. Car wash. Really?"

Ianto looked into his empty cup and sighed, rising to get a refill from his personal coffee machine then turned with the carafe still in his hand as another cup appeared like magic. "Sir, you didn't tell me you were going to call by …. Usually you dump and run."

"Hi there" Jack said happily "Was in the neighbourhood."

"I see … with your mug" Ianto nodded, "While you are here, I am doing your monthly expense…."

"Ah. Was that Tosh calling?" Jack sprang back, "Gotta go."

Ianto went to reply and was stopped by the soft kiss "Thanks Tiger."

With a shake of his head, Ianto went back to the containment box of doom, plucking out another one. He settled in his chair to stare at it, then curse "Galactic standard. What the hell was that little fucker here for. We … reimbursed him a what? A Binary Transducer? Little shit. Damn it, Jack should stop giving everything to him just because he wriggles that tight arse. Mind … he does have a nice little arse. Don't tell Jack I said that. He still thinks his bum is the best."

A soft click of a reply as Mainframe hummed softly at her little one, watching over him as she changed the lighting to soothe more.

Poor little one was only eight invoices in … half a box to go.

She started some soft music.

Might help.


	9. Nine Weevils Dancing

 

Owen motioned Ianto to move closer and both men slid along the brick wall then settled in a crouch behind the bushes. It was a cool night but they were well rugged up and Ianto had a thermos of that elixir once he realised Owen was serious about a Weevil Hunt.

"Over there" Owen hissed and Ianto struggled to see where his friend was pointing then he let out an involuntary snort.

"See?"

"Holy shit!" Ianto whispered, watching as a group of weevils seemed to dance like they were at some disco rave, "What the fuck are they really doing?"

"It's a grave" Owen hissed, "One of the old ones. They buried it about eight months ago and each month they return and do this. I don't know if it is to make sure it is still there or to make sure they did it right but each month they stomp all over the grave."

"They are dropping something" Ianto pointed out and Owen looked at him with surprise, then looked closely, seeing something he had overlooked before. Their claws were moving, not to make noise but to drop something.

"Nuts?"

"Seeds" Ianto said with glee, "Shit. They are dropping things that might grow there to mark the spot. Awww. The old one must be a parent. They want to remember where it is so they are marking the spot, stomping the seeds in. If they come back and find a little tree or bush I bet they will not dance anymore."

"What sort of bush" Owen said with excitement as he saw some real experimentation going on here.

"Well … they are dropping seeds, acorns and such. When they leave we will go see what they drop the most, get one and plant it. A little seedling so next month they will come back and get a little surprise." Ianto agreed.

"Sounds great."

"Owen? Why come each month? I mean … if they do it each month then why not set up a camera and watch from the warmth of the Hub?" Ianto asked, "You didn't want the others to know?"

"Nah … it's just …" Owen shrugged.

"You like to listen to their song?" Ianto guessed, "You can't hear it unless you are close like this."

Owen nodded silently.

"That's OK. Did you know Janet sings too?" Ianto smiled as he settled to wait with Owen, "She has different ones."

"She does?"

"In the mornings she has a soft one, like she is calling me to her. I always spend a little time while she eats her breakfast, tell her what I saw last night on telly or something I heard on the radio on the way in. If I go down during the day it's a surprise so she usually has a loud booming one, like excited. At night I give her a last treat and she kisses the glass, strokes it sometimes and croons like she is sad. At first I thought she was, worried about her but now I know she is saying goodnight" Ianto smiled softly as he recalled "She would have been a good mama."

"I was wondering about a kitten for her. Would she eat it?" Owen asked, wanting Ianto's opinion as he knew Ianto would consider it.

"Well … how about we show her one through the glass and see if she gives that food howl or the excited one she does when I give her a teddy bear" Ianto suggested.

"Teddy … huh?"

"Sometimes at night when she's restless I give her a teddy. In the morning she gives it back with great ceremony like she is proud that she cared for it. I think she pretends it is my baby or something" Ianto shrugged, "She has a purr she does when wanting to show love."

"I … I didn't know that!" Owen gaped.

"They're gone" Ianto said softly and they rose, walking over to kneel and check with the torches.

"Apples?" Owen said with surprise, "That will never grow!"

"No. Maybe a crab-apple one? A little dwarf one?" Ianto considered and Owen grinned as he nodded, rising and brushing off his pants.

"Sounds like a plan." Owen agreed and the two men grinned at one another as they both knew this time next month they would be watching those nine weevils again.


	10. Ten Timelords leaping

 

Jack heard laughter and he knew he was going to lose his shit if the Doctor didn't calm down. This was too funny to remain calm no matter how hard he was trying and he said as calmly as he could, "Come on!"

"No…look at this one!"

Jack sighed and walked over to the mirror, staring at the wibbly-wobbly image from the distorted glass. "Does this make my arse look big?"

The Doctor slapped his shoulder, "Now you're getting it!"

"But I still don't get it" Ianto said softly, staring at one that had his forehead bulging .. .something he didn't like as he felt his forehead was large enough already. Sure Jack said it was kissable but he always said bullshit like that. Big. Like … bulbous.

"Well … it's a celebration right? Christmas!" the Doctor slapped his hands together and rubbed them like some weird little man "I figured a celebrations room was the way to go and Sexy was right on to me!"

"Christmas" Ianto repeated. "Snow, lights and good food. Presents and … what the hell is that?"

"Ah!"

The Doctor pranced over to the wooden cut out and threw an arm around it with glee "It's the Randolph thing."

"Rudolf" Jack corrected.

"It's a fucking cow!" Ianto corrected as well, his hands on his hips "Not even a Bull. Look at the udder!"

"Udder?" the Doctor blinked, "Udder what?"

"Tits" Jack pointed, "see?"

The Doctor looked down at the udder and frowned "So? I have tits too ….wait. Do I?"

Jack couldn't contain his mirth as the Doctor grabbed his chest and frowned, considering, "Yes. I think there are. Right?"

"Doctor" Ianto said calmly, "Why have boobs if you are loomed?"

"Don't be silly" the Doctor snorted with glee "Balance! Might topple back without ballasts!"

Jack chortled as he watched the two people he loved most in all the worlds face off, Ianto's eyebrow rising "Ballasts."

"Yes …. Quite a vessel, these bodies ya know. Takes skill to manoeuvre one!" the Doctor played with glee, also seeing what Jack did in the morbid looking young man. A fellow player.

"Doctor … wait. How did we start talking about tits?" Ianto queried, then snorted "Right. A cow with tits is a female cow. A Heifer. A male one is called a bull … no big tits."

"Ah" The Doctor eyeballed Ianto "So?"

"Reindeer for Christmas… not cows"

The doctor looked back at the cow "are you sure? It's got a bell on it's neck."

Jack choked quietly as Ianto did the cheek sucking thing that always warned Owen to stop. The Doctor knew not of such warnings and pushed more "you know … reindeer tastes similar."

"Excuse me?" Ianto gaped with horror "You … I thought you were vegan!"

"Don't be silly, I'm a Gallifreyan!" the doctor laughed then took off again, "come look over here. We have the lights!"

Ianto looked dubious as he walked around to find the Doctor in a little space in the corner surrounded by mirrors that were frames by thousands of little fairy lights.

"See?" the Doctor flung his arms wide, "Like stars!"

Ianto blinked as Jack laughed and stated to sing 'Twinkle Little Star' and the Timelord started to dance some weird, electrocution style boogie.

Each mirror faced the other so what was one became several and ten Timelords seemed to dance in the space as the Doctor looked like someone doing a 'dad' dance of embarrassing proportions.

Ianto considered a response.

He joined in.

Why not … it's Christmas and Jack was delighted.


	11. Eleven pipes are bursting

 

Ianto heard it first, stirring from the bed to sit on the edge and rub his eyes as Jack started to move as well, "Yan?"

"Can you not hear that?" Ianto turned to look at his lover, still naked and debouched in the bed. Jack's soft smile a secret one they shared when alone, full of gentle warmth. Ianto watched it fade as Jack sat up.

"Shit, that sounds like a flood alert" Jack was moving fast as Ianto called softly after him.

"Clothes?"

"Huh?" Jack turned to look at him, then down at himself "Ah. Right. Tosh is up there on night sift. Forgot."

They wandered out to find Tosh waiting nervously, "Hey. Didn't want to wake you but …"

"Yeh, it's louder in the bunker." Ianto assured her, "Come on. Let's see what set it off."

"Christmas is almost here, it better not be a killer snowman or some monster spider-mouse or something" Tosh muttered "I always get the shitty shifts at Christmas"

"Not true, you did a pretty good job last year!" Jack tried to comfort her, "remember how pretty the place looked. Not your fault the Ferbold exploded like that, Owen knew better than to put one near a naked flame and its blood was just like glitter."

"Yes" Ianto muttered behind them "Like… everywhere. I still think I can see some occasionally in the rafters I can't quite reach. Stinkeration to the seventh Pine needle!"

Tosh giggled, the moment of annoyance gone as Ianto stomped past with a look of total doom that always tickled her in a weird way. Jack felt a rush of affection for his lover knowing Ianto only did this act for her. The old man act that had unusually weird curse words and such as well. One of the other reasons Jack liked it was because it showed he was in a good mood. The sexy time bedtime had been calming for both of them after the Doctor's visit had left them wired yesterday.

"Water" Ianto's voice filtered back and Jack started to pick up the pace as he realised Ianto was too far ahead to see, speeding up to catch him.

Jack found himself in water … ankle deep in cold mucky looking water.

"NO!" Ianto was scrambling and Jack watched with surprise as Ianto started lifting things with a look of total horror. Tosh joined in, Ianto glancing at him "Don't just stand there. Help save the paperwork or find the fucking leak!"

Paperwork.

Right.

Ah. Right, files. Reports, old shit he would never read again.

Jack walked past to search for the source of the water as Ianto continued to slosh about and curse softly to himself, no longer feeling playful. Jack slowly walked around the wall until he felt pressure against his ankle, "Found it."

Ianto didn't answer as he moved to another section then cursed "Me too."

"What?"

"More than one break. Great … how old is the pipe work in this section?" Ianto looked around with growing concern.

"Ah… I never really come down here … it's like … original love, like most of it in this level" Jack said softly, then watched something flit across Ianto's face. Then Ianto was gone, leaving the two staining there.

Jack turned to Tosh, "Was to something I said?"

She frowned, then her face changed to one of horror as Ianto started cursing in the next room. They walked around the corner to find Ianto moving more boxes with the next room flooding as well.

"Tiger … this is all old. Like … eighteen hundreds files. They are either already in the system thanks to you and Tosh or they are surplus. Stop panicking" Jack crooned, "It's OK. Just shitty old reports. I know you love your paperwork but ….what."

"Jack … we are under the dock level. The water will not stop until it is level with the outside, the seals are breached and this entire thing might fill to the fucking ceiling. We would never be able to pump it out and these are not shit. Look, they have your handwriting, these are your reports. Your experiences, your history. I must save it!" Ianto panted, lifting another sodden carton with a look of woe.

Jack again felt affection, this time the thought of Ianto's care making him slosh through water to seize Ianto making him yelp and release the soggy mess, their lips pressing together.

"I do love you" Jack whispered.

"Stop it!" Ianto snorted going red as he gave the standard reply, he looked over at Tosh who was not even pretending not to see the exchange.

Eleven.

The final count was eleven sections blown. Seems there had been a surge in water pressure due to a nearby building turning off their water fountain for maintenance, something they usually advertised and Ianto could account for.

Eleven holes in the wall that Owen gleefully helped create with sledgehammers, eleven patches applied and eleven new sections now glistening as Ianto frowned.

"Trust Cooper to get out of it with the in-laws staying over" Owen panted "Probably would have drowned anyway."

"Come on love" Jack whispered, "Think of it this way … you wanted to clear these room out for ages, now you can. Dump everything, just go wild!"

Ianto turned to face Jack and he smiled as he reached out to stroke Jack's face "Cariad … I am sorry I had a conniption. You're right, Tosh already digitalized some of these and … there is no way I will ever save all of your memories."

Jack hugged him as he hoped the important ones would always remain in his heart, especially the sight of Ianto just in jeans working so feverishly to save paperwork, his hairy chest wet form the leaks and his hair plastered back by an flustered hand.

Some things are worth saving.


	12. Twelve children humming

 

Jack blinked slowly as he stood watching the performance, turning to open his mouth, then close it again as he watched Ianto's face glow with pride.

Mica finished her solo and stepped back into the group of children she was singing with, then it happened.

They forgot the words and they all looked horrified for a second then Mica picked it up and they followed. Giggling started to swell around them as Ianto's mouth fell open. The little ones up on the stage were humming the verse.

Jack placed a hand over his mouth to stifle his own amusement as Ianto's face grew more annoyed, Mica now starting an interpretive dance with the others all followed as well, then came the chorus which they remembered so they stood stock still and roared it out like fucktards, then went back to humming and dancing.

A teacher entered the stage and tried to seize a child, only to trip into the scenery.

"Oops. Man down" Jack choked out.

Ianto gaped.

Another teacher rushed across the stage from the other side, through the children like knife through butter and Jack was impressed. She would have been a brilliant pilot with those reflexes, the woman stopping to help her colleague out of the wooden cut out animals he was currently stuck in floundering about, kicking them over as he cursed loudly into the microphones on stage.

Ianto sighed.

"Again. I don't know how she manages it but this is like last year's fiasco all over again" Ianto muttered with a look of doom that had Jack wishing he had been here then too. Jack was about to ask what had happened then when Ianto continued "At least it's not all on fire this time."

Rhiannon's' voice boomed out across the parents and Ianto cringed, sliding down in his seat like she might see him and slap his head or something "MICA DAVIES! SING THE BLOODY SONG AND STOP BEING A DIVVY!"

Ianto's face started to turn red as the place erupted with laughter and Jack found himself feeling sorry for his lover who clearly doted on the kids even if his sister was a bit of a nightmare for him. What strange children they both must have been.

"UNCLE IANTO!" Mica screamed stopping the performance to point directly at him and he sighed, waving meekly back as more laughter started and Jack turned to watch Rhiannon stride towards them with a determined look.

"Danger Will Robinson" Jack hissed, Ianto turning in time to catch her approach and squeak with alarm, then plaster on a smile usually reserved for John Hart. You know the one. _Lovely to see you, please fuck off now._

"I didn't know you were coming!" Rhiannon said in a loud voice, her hands on her hips as the place went silent with anticipation. Rhiannon Davies was known for her eruptions and many had no idea who the alarmed looking young man was she had decided to attack, her face one of annoyance.

"Didn't know if we could make it so I wasn't gong to get your hopes up" Ianto replied, then grimaced as he realised his mistake. Her eyes widened and slid to Jack who was sitting with his arm still around Ianto's seat and Ianto knew without looking that shit-eating grin would be employed as Jack looked up without fear.

"Hello Rhiannon love, wonderful outfit. Did you help with that? She looks just like candyfloss with legs." Jack said gamely.

"YOU!" she hissed, then looked at Ianto "This him? This the man you are sneaking about with? Eh? This your fella?"

"Yes!" Ianto rose with that ramrod straight back to face her, "This is Jack. He is ….is… the one I love!"

Jack gaped as Ianto placed his hand on his hips and faced off with the one woman he feared in the entire universe, "What of it!"

Rhiannon deflated, looking at the handsome man who now looked concerned for Ianto, rising to stand behind him with a hand reaching for his shoulder, to comfort and support.

"Well. You don' have to act like I am scoffing at ya. I don't know. You never come around anymore, you used to spend time with the kids but now … well. I am not judging. OK? If …if … he makes you happy then … OK then."

"Uncle Ianto?" Mica called from the stage across the people in the audience "Does that mean Da's right? Are you a poofter?"

Jack froze, his lover's shoulder under his hand turning to stone as Ianto looked at his niece.

"Yes. I am a raging poofter. I love my man and will dance like a fucking fairy in the moonlight if I need to in order to prove that to the world." Ianto said calmly.

"Good!" Mica called back, "Love is important!"

"Yes, I agree dumpling bum. Now … finish your lovely song!" the entire auditorium erupting with applause.

Goddess save. They all thought it was part of the performance.

Ianto did the only thing he could, turning to bow to the applause as Jack laughed, seizing him and kissing him with glee.

The cheering almost blew the roof off.

"Guess I am setting another place tomorrow then" Rhiannon muttered as she retuned to her seat where David sat with a look of glee.

He hopes someone loves him like that one day.

Someone just as handsome.

.

.

.

Merry Christmas everyone.


End file.
